mother of pearl!

Goodness! it's been a long, long time since i last posted on my blog! i can't even remember the last time i did. things have been really crazy lately. ever since school started i have been really busy and my life has recently become more and more complicated. i would explain, but it would take a while. i am currently unemployed(which sucks, i know), i am now a junior in high school and my teenage years are sadly slipping away. i don't want high school to end. i don't want to be grown up and get a job and have to pay bills and take care of myself. then again, i don't want to live with my dad my whole life. i'm still not sure how i'm going to pay for college and where i'm going to live after i graduate from high school. i guess these are just normal things that teenagers my age think about.
A major thing that is going on in my life right now is i'm redecorating my bathroom! the walls are being painted blue and it is going to be decorated with rubber duckies. cute, i know:P I have a car now, which is awesome. i don't have a job to pay for the gas so i am forced to mooch money off of my father, which is not cool.
I don't know what else to write because there are some things that i would like to say but i can't say because i don't want everyone reading them.
I went paintballing on saturday for the first time. it was awesome! it was so much fun! i went with scott, marshall, jeff and marshall's brother. (i would say what i think about marshall, but i'm afraid i can't)anyway, while we were playing this game called "the gauntlet" we had to get from one side of the wash* to another while being shot at. oh and you have no weapon. it was awesome! anyway, marshall, scott, jeff and i had to run across the wash while marshall's brother shot at us. By the time i reached the end, everyone had been shot and marshall's brother was running out of paintballs. i was hiding behind a bush and beyond was the finish line but there was no cover at all and i knew that there was a good chance of being shot if i ran. so i stood there behind the bush while the boys were earging me to run for it. after i refused, marshall ran over to me and said "use me as a shield" so i grabbed on to the end of his camo jacket(i was also wearing camo)and ran with him between me and his brother. i made it to the finish line and i was so proud that i had made it that far without being shot. i can't wait to play again. but alas, i must end my post because dinner is ready and i have to eat. bye!

* Removal or erosion of soil by the action of moving water.

what's cracking home slice?

i have 15 minutes 'til i have to leave to go to st.george to take this class to get my food handlers permit 'cause i got a job! *dances* i don't start for another week but the hours are perfect! 4-7 or 8 monday through thursday. that's right. i get friday, saturday and sunday off every week! mwahaha. i'm really excited because this job will be really easy and the everything works out perfectly. i can buy a car too. cause i'll have money and money is good *drools* haha but anyway.......i don't know what else i can talk about. school is starting on the 15th and i'm excited for that too. weird, huh? i want school to start. summer is boring...or at least it has been. i'm just sick of sitting around the house all day and not doing anything. i can't do anything cause my dad works all the time everyday from 7-7 and i have no mode of transportation. i do stuff with scott a lot but i don't hang out with my girl friends at all. weird....i've only hung out with them a couple of times all summer. i've been gone a lot too though so that's understandable. ooooo! some exciting news that i forgot to mention earlier. my dad got a temporary order to stop child support, so now money isn't taken out of his check each month. i don't know when the court date is...i don't think there is one yet but when we go to court my mom will have to start paying child support and i will point and laugh at her....not really, but in my mind i will :P she's an idiot. i hope she has to pay back all of the child support money that she has gotten since my sister moved out of my mom's house. do you know how much that is!? since january, when my sister moved out, my dad has payed 1750 unwillingly. yeah. that 1750 dollars does not belong to my mom but she took it anyway. she could have done the right and honest thing and sent it back but instead she decided to keep it for herself when she knew it didn't belong to her. it makes me really angry. she has also told my sister and i more than once that she was going to send the money back but, guess what. we haven't gotten a cent of it back from her sorry ass. she needs to grow up.

button

the song playing on the tv right now bugs me.....now this song is good! Speed of Sound- Coldplay..i'm in SLC right now at my aunts house and there is a kitten on the computer desk. this kitten is sooo cute. his name is mikey. i'm not doing a whole lot other than talking to people on the MSN. that is pretty much all that my life boils down to. i got a job but i haven't started yet. i am going to lagoon tomorrow so i should have gone to bed by now but....i can sleep in. plus, i'm not that tired and talking to scott(and matt) is much more fun than sleeping:P Scott worries me some times. he worries too much about things that involve me and other guys. like his friend jon who i "dated" in 4th grade (even though all we did was hold hands! obviously! it was only 4th grade! sickos!) but i worry about what he's thinking. does he worry about me being friends with Jon because he acts like it. i don't know. blarg! i can't wait until school starts and i can see scott and my friends everyday. and i'm just excited because i took awesome classes. 3 A.P. classes but it will be easy:)

just a thought

i was just thinking about it and, my blog is kind of dark and depressing....some of the blogs and poems i have are depressing. but i guess my heart is reflected in my writting. you can't write about happy things if you don't feel it inside of you...

through the looking glass

i'm breaking free
popping pills like daisies
in the hopes that my life
my sad sorry life
would soon end

stupid dream
stupid wish
it's a futile search
for something beyond the norm
in that the norm
is different from all i know

contradictory to itself
my life is
hope is lost through the looking glass
and sorrow is found
in the ones i hold dear
for i know more than they
about trial
and tribulation
---------------------------
that's weird....i just wrote it as it came to me

for you scotty

Staring across the surface of the crystal blue water, watching vibrant colors dance across the glass-like lake, she looks down with hopefull eyes. 200 feet till the end...or the beginning of a new life...A better life. A small shiver runs through her frail body as she tilts her head to the sky, her silken hair flowing in the soft breeze. Why does she look, when she knows there is nothing there? Nothing looking back into her eyes....into her heart. She slowly lowers her head and gazes across the calm waters "The end is waiting for me", she whispers, "my end" She spreads her arms like a bird ready to soar and takes the last step...the first step..." My beginning".

Fear....What's Yours?

People are weird....www.phobialist.com

*dances*

Not -that- much has happened since i posted last time. I haven't talked to my mom in over a month, which isn't a bad thing. I think about it a lot though. I mean, i don't want to talk to her but it would be nice to know that she wants to talk to me. I guess she's happy with her new life. I was thinking about it the other day and, what if, my mom had a kid! that would be weird. A half brother/sister that i would hardly ever see...weird. I went to the Grand Canyon yesterday. Yes, i went to the giant crack in the earth. More than once i thought about throwing myself off of the edge. The feeling wasn't as strong as it used to be and i know why. Even when i was with Kaleb, i still thought about killing myself but now that i'm with Scott i don't think about it at all. Scott is -nothing- like Kaleb. Just thinking about how i let Kaleb treat me is making me sick. With myself and with him. I'm glad i'm not in that relationship anymore. I've been hanging out with Scott almost everyday and i like it a lot. I got sick of Kaleb after a while. His stupid immature, baby-like, moody behavior was very tiring. Not to sound cheesey but Scott is perfect. I don't know how i got so lucky. I'm going to Vegas on the 2nd. Every time i go to Vegas i think about the kid that i met from there that fell in love with me and got his heart broken when i didn't love him back...i still feel bad about that...after vegas i'm going to Delta for a week. It won't be -that- bad. I will have fun hanging out with my cousins. heh, most people don't think i'm much of a complex individual...haha...what do you think? Am i complex enough for you? haha comment or something! I like comments

give me those pills

unfortunately, my mother is not moving to seattle. she is moving to salt lake. she called and told my sister and i that she wanted us to help her move this weekend. i'm thinking "no". i'm not going. i don't even want to see her. my dad set up a court date for child support. ok, here's the story. my mom is still getting child support money and my sister hasn't lived with her for about 5 months now. you're probably thinking "well, why doesn't he just not send the money" and that's not how it works. 250 dollars is taken out of his check every month and sent to my mom. and my sister doesn't even live with her anymore! it pisses me off. god, just typing this is making me sad.....we are going to court soon...i'm not sure when but my mom won't sign the papers saying that my sister doesn't live with her anymore because she doesn't want to stop getting money and she doesn't want to pay any money. after this court thing, we will be getting an extra 500 dollars that we weren't getting before. my mother really pisses me off....i don't even know why i refer to her as my mother...she never calls me just to talk. when she calls it's because she wants something from us...i haven't talked to her since the beginning of the month. god, now i'm crying.....why does she have to be like that?! i feel lost........and abandoned..i hate crying...if i have kids, i will be a good mother...not like her...i'll be there for my kids...